I think I have Imposter Syndrome.

And it is honestly so crazy to me. When I got married in December and quit my job to be a stay at home mom, it was like jumping head first into the deep end of a swimming pool. I did not know what to expect. I’ve never invested myself so fully into someone else until that moment. It was terrifying but also exciting, especially for someone so stubbornly independent.

Here I am.

It has been a drastic change to what I’m used to and I’m still working on that balance, especially when it comes to working on my writing and taking care of the household. However, it is so nice having my partner be so supportive of my career. My dream.

I’m living it and it still feels so unreal. I’m writing again and I’m becoming majorly obsessed with it. Falling in love with the written word all over again.

I’ve spent YEARS avoiding writing. It took me getting seriously into reading again last year to stop avoiding it. Trauma and grief can do that to you, I guess.

But this year has been all about healing and working through those traumas. And the grief.

Queue the imposter syndrome. I just have a hard time wrapping my head around it all. Sometimes, I don’t feel like I deserve it. Like, I’m not working hard enough to be here- doing the things I love.

Even though I know that is completely irrational and untrue. I’m here because I’m working hard. And I deserve happiness just as much as the next person. And maybe that is part of the issue, too.

When Percy died, I was under the impression that I would never be happy again. That it was unfair of me to be happy again because Percy was gone and couldn’t be happy with me. It has taken a lot for me to truly believe that Percy would want me to be happy without her. To believe I deserved to go on living without her. I still struggle with the concept to this day. It is such grueling work.

Trauma really is an uphill battle. But I’m making it, though.