That Body Dysmorphia, Though.

One thing I didn’t realize that would come with my grief is an overwhelming amount of body dysmorphia. I mean, I struggled with my image and self esteem before but it was getting increasingly better. When Percy died, it felt as though a piece of myself died with her. In turn, I noticed a certain level of self hatred and disgust start bubbling up inside of me. It got so bad that I avoided looking into the mirror for a very long time. I still slightly avoid it. Sometimes, even, I can’t look into my own eyes.

It’s a very complex set of emotions to deal with, especially on top of the usual emotions associated with grief.  I don’t know if I’m the only one that struggles with this in their grief but it has been a very difficult uphill battle that I’ve mostly kept to myself. It has made me more embarrassed and ashamed of myself and my thinking. I feel self-centered in missing the girl I use to be before Percy died. Even if I don’t just miss myself. It still feels selfish, in some way.

I’ve slowly been working through it. Gaining my confidence back as I come to terms with her death. Feeling less ashamed and embarrassed, finding my happy. Because I know that’s what she would want for me.

Nothing is linear when it comes to the death of a loved one. I’ve sure learned that the hard way. Some days are better than others, even five years later. I fear I will always struggle in some shape or form with the grief, self-hatred, and coming to terms with her death. Talking about it helps, facing those issues and giving them a voice. Because they won’t go away without one. They will just sit and fester until they consume you. I was tired of being consumed. So here I am, struggling through another hard post, hoping for healing. Giving myself the grace I deserve.

If anyone reading this also feels these feelings, don’t hesitate to reach out. You are not alone and it’s always nice to have that reminder. Let’s heal together.