Where Do I Even Begin?

I have to be honest; I’ve been putting this post off for quite some time. The past few weeks have felt like a lifetime. My biggest worries were getting my blood sugar numbers under control for baby Theo, the subsequent medications my doctors and care team put me on, and the overwhelming guilt and concern over everything I ate and drank.

And then, not so funnily enough, life has a way of kicking you when you’re down. My dad died. That sentence is so weird and awful to even think about. I’m pretty sure I’m still partially in denial. Derealization protects my brain from the crushing heartbreak that comes with losing a parent so suddenly and tragically.

I used to believe I was cursed. As though bad things would follow me around for the rest of my life, and that every time I felt happy, something would happen, and I’d sink back into that dreadful pit of despair. It took me way too long to claw my way out of that pit, and I have no intention of ever going back.

So, I started therapy. I wanted to get a head start with postpartum looming on the horizon. Anything to help me hold fast to my hard work and the love that glitters around the edges of my grief.

About a week after his death, I was diagnosed with hypertension, while also dealing with my gestational diabetes. My MFM and OB started monitoring me more closely for preeclampsia and decided it would be best to induce me at 37 weeks. After talking it over more with my OB, I decided on an elective cesarean. Baby was measuring over eight pounds at 35 weeks and breech. It just felt, and still feels, like the safest option for Theo and me.

Which lands me here today. I will have my c section at the end of this week, and so you probably won’t hear from me for a couple of weeks. Also, I am on hiatus with CHW as of April 23^rd. But don’t worry, I will be back to “Zombie Killer Squad” in no time.

This time is just what I need to focus on my family, as well as learn a new normal. Having a newborn coming in just a day is mind-boggling. I’ve also been trying (and failing) to mentally prepare for my dad’s absence when everyone comes in to meet Theo. And, well, that is just something else entirely.

So, until next time, I’ll end with these words: Don’t take your loved ones for granted. Hug them a little tighter and remind them of how much they mean to you because you never know when the last time you see them will be your forever goodbye.